they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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