You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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