Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
