Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
