How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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