Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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