Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is Oprah even human
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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