you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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