Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
