I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
