I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
