i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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