we have pet lesbian snakes
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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