we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
