I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
