My Higher Power is John Stamos
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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