Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You made out with two different species that night
I just blew my weed a kiss
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
