You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
