My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
