So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize