Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
