im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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