I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
