I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize