you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
