DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i love accidental penises.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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