so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize