Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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