I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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