I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
