I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
