I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
