Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
