dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
