you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize