You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
