The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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