I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
