Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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