Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
