I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
