Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
