Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
