After last night, I could never be a politician.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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