Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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