I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
