My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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