Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
