HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
