I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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