after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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