dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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