I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
