Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
