You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
