she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize