I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
