Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
