i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
