dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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