I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
