Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
