Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
