have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
