that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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