i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
