Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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